This is really hard for me to admit and come to terms with but I feel like it will be helpful to write this down. I'm warning you.... This blog is straight from my heart and it's not the most uplifting blog I've written. READER BE WARNED....
I want to write positive things and talk about how much I love this City, etc., but it's not true. I don't know what I expected but I was hoping to at least start to feel like I have friends and I'm in a groove. It's not true. I told myself that I would give this move 6 months before I give up. The time is getting close. Everything felt so right coming here but now I don't know. I am 5 months, 2 weeks into this new chapter and it's pretty much the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life. I have never felt so alone as I do right now. I have always felt that I am good at making friends but now I don't know. I had a friend that lived in NYC for a short time and he told me that if he was (a) married, (b) had his family, or (c) had his friends, he would enjoy it more. I thought it was crazy that he only lasted a short while. It wasn't long after I got here that I completely understood where he was coming from. (P.S. He moved back to Utah and his life is now exactly where he wanted it to be.) I've been trying to be patient but this past week I really hit a breaking point. This is definitely one of the finer trials in my life. Before coming here, I had ever indication that this was what I should be doing but now it doesn't make any sense. Last night was the first night (in over five months) that I honestly had someone here to listen to me. I finally completely broke down to my roommate. There is a lot of stuff built up and it has been a really hard weekend. I realize that this is part of life, but that's not what I want to hear. I really was ready for a change from Utah but I at this point, I would take back my static life in Utah where I had people that I can call on, count on, and see to this life where I feel like I could go weeks without hearing from people and have no one here to count on. It's just really hard to keep being patient and positive when I'm so confused. How can everything seem to have fallen into place before coming here, from blessings that I received before coming, to inspiration that I personally received that made it seem like this was what I should be doing and now I'm about as sad as I've ever been in my life. This job isn't working out like I thought it would. And this week I'm realizing that this might not be a good fit, even though it's exactly the job I wanted and was so excited to take it. I realize that sometimes things just aren't a good fit but how long do you go before you just give up and start looking around. I'm not one to throw in the towel but now realize that is my pride talking. This next week and month is going to be a very telling time and if this is 'rock bottom', this there's only one place to go from here. Things are bound to get better....
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